I notice the government is launching a campaign to encourage shops to distribute fewer plastic bags. I bought a packet of crisps in an up market Bath sandwich bar last week and was asked if I needed a bag to put it in. Hardly a good example of saving the planet!
Mind you, as an ardent environmentalist I do my bit, painstakingly sorting out the different types of waste for the weekly collections. And my compost bins are second to none.
What’s more, I once toured in an eco-themed agit-prop show called The Last Piece of Lawn. It was about the very last piece of grass in the world. We were given an enormous square of Astro-Turf on which we featured everything that could take place on a lawn, including a garden party with cake and sandwiches for the lucky people in the front row.
Of course, the guardians of this valuable piece of vegetation made all the mistakes in the book and the lawn was sent spinning into a black hole of oblivion. The finale featured me being winched up on a pulley above a hellish scene of fire and brimstone, berating all and sundry for not caring for the planet.
On one occasion we performed the show in Holland in an old department store that had been converted (recycled?) into an art centre. Each floor was open to the staircase atrium, including the auditorium which was on the top floor. In order to give the impression I was flying I had to dash down to the ground floor bar where to the surprise of a few stoned-looking Dutch guys sipping their beers I slipped on a harness and rapidly rose out of sight.
I delivered my final speech through billows of smoke dangling three floors up. I got the words out as quickly as I could, because above all the mayhem I detected the alarming sound of the ancient glass and wrought iron skylight to which my pulley had been attached creaking its last.
Imagine if it had given way and I plunged down and landed in a heap of shards and tangled metal in the bar below! Mind you, knowing those cool Dutch dudes, they would have merely glanced at my predicament and calmly carried on drinking, man.