The Prime Minister has come up with an amazing idea to save money on the Olympic Games opening and closing ceremonies while at the same time producing a spectacular event which will impress the billions of viewers around the world.

In a surprise move he has handed over the organisation of the events to the North Koreans. In a statement Mr Cameron said ‘They are much better at this sort of thing than us, they need cheering up and above all they are cheap.’

Apparently the North Koreans have leapt at the opportunity as one. A spokesman with a well-practiced smile said ‘We are sure we have a ready-made ceremony stashed in a barracks somewhere that we can adapt to the occasion. Our Great Leader was a huge fan of Blue Peter and we are familiar with the phrase ‘Here’s one I made earlier’.

‘And since all our participants will be fully trained and armed military personnel, even the pretty ladies in the pink swirly frocks, they could undertake the security at the games as well, thus saving even more of your filthy capitalist running dog lucre’

No exact details have emerged yet as to how the ceremonies will run, but suffice to say there will be rows and rows of highly trained identically dressed participants shipped in from the secretive communist country. There will undoubtedly be much meticulously timed flag waving and counter-marching and rumour has it that the Koreans are adapting one of their huge papier mache nuclear missiles, a familiar feature of their military parades, to form a giant mobile Olympic torch.

Carpets of red, white and blue chrysanthemums, renamed Sebcotheums for the event, will line the running track

A member of the Olympics organising committee said he was looking forward to seeing some of the amazing Korean synchronised placard twirling, when gigantic mosaic pictures are created before your very eyes. Perhaps, he said, there could be huge slogans saying Our Immortal Mayor which suddenly turn into a vast stadium-sized picture of Boris Johnson.

To the relief of many, the Korean authorities have stated that no red buses will be involved and that they had never heard of Susan Boyle or Tom Jones. Or Brian May for that matter.

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